Life is tough. Life hurts. Nothing is perfect. And are we just a little bit conceited if we think we can move on this journey without a bit a difficulty?
This past 12 months has been a challenge to me. To who I am. To my faith. To my friendships. To my family. To my marriage. To my commitments. To my understandings of how things should be.
Whenever tough times fall upon me, I become agitated and sad and upset. It's unfair, it's not right, I am not deserving. But really is life just supposed to fall into place? Just because you put good karma out there, is it an automatic boomerang? All of a sudden are we just supposed to figure life out and BOOM nothing can harm us? Are we supposed to wake up every morning and see brilliance? Is that really logical?
Or do we need to realize that challenges face us and part of being human is facing these things that make us human?
This week I saw my best friend, my companion, my anchor who protected me from my travels from SF to SD become weak and get so sick that he could not hide it. And I had to come to the realization that I will outlive him. He agreed with me on my choice of husband. When my heart broke or I was feeling sick, and I did not understand things, he cuddled up at my side provided me with the strength to keep going. He traveled with us, he helped build our family. I am not a mother in the sense that I birthed a child but Beau is the closest thing to that.
Then I had to see my father weaker than ever. Incoherent, weak, in diapers. My mother borderline tears in eyes and concern so deep in heart that is seeps from her pores. But her strength as a matriarch keeps her faith and strength anchored. For her five children, for her 7 grandkids.
And with all my defenses down, I had to face sadness. But I also had to face reality. That life is unpredictable. So with this realization I faced a moment of falling apart or being grateful. Grateful that I had a father who loved me SO much. That made be the person I am today. The person he is proud of.
Before he went into the hospital for the second time this week he told me he could talk to me because he knew I understood him and knew I could be objective. And that he wanted me to carve out time out of my busy schedule so he could tell me about his life story from his perspective. So I could understand, so I could explain to the rest of my family. And now I am very aware he may never get the chance to do that. But what he may never know is that he has given me the chance, the courage and the ability to tell my story.
My story of being the first generation Garcia woman from an immigrant family, who grew up with a little bit of diversity, to make her way through life with opportunity, with strength, with love, with confidence, with back bone, with education, with compassion, with understanding and with dreams for a better life than where he came from. A man who was understanding of his mistakes and tried to make them better but sometimes felt short.
Yes to the people who care about me these past months may look like a huge weight of issues to deal with and it is been difficult. I am not trying to downplay the load of shit that has fallen upon me. But what you must know is that I am so grateful and so happy because I have an amazing team of support. Support from my family, my friends, mu co-workers, and the company I work for. And most importantly, the support and spirit of my father. The unconditional love of a parent is untouchable and if I never told you that dad, I get that now.
To my friends human and canine, thank you for being there, it brings me smiles and happiness with each phone call, text and facebook message I get. I am grateful and happy.
"And I know that I can make it as long as somebody takes me home...every now and then..."
